Why Kids Need Both Mom and Dad | Fr Cristino

What happens when we start believing that moms and dads are interchangeable? When we forget the beauty—and necessity—of a mother’s tenderness and a father’s strength?

In our newest video, we explore what the Church has always taught: that men and women are different by design, and that children flourish best when raised by both a mom and a dad.

Fr. Cristino joins us for this important conversation about complementarity, dignity, and what’s at stake when we ignore the God-given roles in the family.

Transcript

Are men and women fundamentally different so just by nature a woman brings something to the family that a man can't right but I think it could also be said it's true that a a man brings something to a family that a woman can't that is the fundamental principle that we have to return to that difference does not equate with disparity and that's why we talk about human nature and human dignity that's what makes us equal because I think that when we started having this idea well men and women are exactly the same can do everything exactly the same as each other who hurts is children within the family mhm [Music]

Father Cristino welcome back today we're going to talk about why male and female matter particularly when we look at the raising of children mhm uh when we go back and I right before we turned on the cameras you said it's a good place to start is at the beginning and in the beginning what happened God ahead well in the beginning the garden I think is what you're referring to yes yes God made us male and female and then we have the the the first family there um there's a sense within some sectors of society that uh that men and women are somehow in competition that a woman should be able to do everything a man should do uh that they should have also free the way for every equal opportunity uh of course we need to treat each person with dignity but like are men and women fundamentally different but yes that's how we all exist and I hate to point out the obvious but some people actually don't believe that mhm would you agree well I think what they don't agree with is that the things that make us different therefore uh create a disparity i think that's what that's what people are generally reacting to okay they perceive disparity and they assume it's because we have a mistaken notion of what our differences actually amount to and so you have a very materialist mentality which would say the differences between men and women are strictly biological and chromosomeal yes we have different body parts yes women have two X chromosomes and a man has an X and a Y chromosome and that's it that's the only thing that makes us different that's what uh facilitates appropriation and and the regeneration of our species and when Yeah yeah we get that and and that's it's just a biological reality yeah and then you could go all the way maybe to what might be considered another extreme which would be to say well God has revealed that the differences between man and woman uh therefore mean that men are superior because uh Jesus was a man and the father is the masculine figure and therefore women are inferior because they are required to be subordinate to men and when you start getting into the languages of superiority and inferiority that's what will then create the perception of people to say well how do we account for this disparity that now exists between men and women and how is uh the church for example being genuine or uh actually meaning what she's saying if we say that we believe in the equal dignity of men and women if then you turn around and say "Well one is inferior to the other." Right so I I think it's the perception of disparity that causes people to have those kinds of reactions okay there's somebody that's watching say "You don't even have the right to talk father look you belong to an organization that's dominated by men men from the bottom right up to the top uh women can't be priests they can't be deacons uh they can be they had of diccasteries now but you know that's for the first time maybe we won't get into that one but then the pope is a man how can you say that the the church treats men and women equally with that disparity then we can say the greatest saint in the communion of saints is a woman and we all actually only just want to go to heaven and therefore the highest and greatest place after God himself that's occupied in heaven is occupied by a woman and it will never be occupied by anyone other than her and that's of course the blessed virgin Mary so so what does that mean what we that's why I'm calling them perceived disparities the perception is that there is an inequality that does not flow from our nature and what I think we need to get better at arguing is to say the perception is just that it is a perception because it is not disparity it is difference and not all difference equals disparity and this is where we get very caught up these days in all of this talk around uh equity when we talk about equity versus equality we are suggesting that some people need to have a different way of being handled or treated or dealt with because otherwise they can't be equal and so we give this kind of person or this classification of people uh a higher advantage towards getting this job because all things being equal they'll never be chosen and therefore we need to have their representation in here right think back to uh our soontobe or whatever this video gets released no longer Prime Minister Trudeau who in 2015 when asked why there was going to be 50/50 men and women in his cabinet he said because it's 2015 and I think he thought he was being so clever as if to say our times would suggest that cabinet isn't functioning properly if we don't have 50% men and 50% women well that was before it became popular and trendy to talk about transgenderism and so are is cabinet now not functioning properly because we don't have a 25% men 25% women and 50% transgender on either side like at what point do you start breaking down everything into classifications and groups and then claiming that all of them need to be handled differently because there is no way for it to be equal and that's why we talk about human nature and human dignity that's what makes us equal we will all express how we are and who we are in different ways but the differences do not have to be disparities they do not have to be disadvantages and with the difference between men and women we have to also look at the roles that they play and why it may look like this woman is disadvantaged if she follows the stereotypical gender role of staying at home with the children because now she's trapped in her house and isn't given the liberty that her husband enjoys who gets to go out to work every day there's there's so many assumptions that are being made there mhm that you are trapped if you stay in your house that it's that you're better off if you get to leave the house to go to work as opposed to working from home that you are undervalued if you don't get a salary when someone else is earning the salary these are all assumptions and the perceived disparity is based upon those assumptions so that's what we actually need to talk about are the ways in which we are concluding that disparity equals disadvantage actually legitimate h well I think when sometimes people look at the church and look at okay well it's just men in leadership positions and women need equal opportunity they're not talking about equality they're talking about power yes i think I want the same type of power that a man has within the church i I could be wrong with that assumption but I think a lot of times that's really what it comes down to whereas being a father of your parish is not about power is it no believe me i look at a priest and I think it's about service it's about laying down your life for your beloved which which is your parish right it's about sacrificing for them it's not about power i mean granted there could be like some people in those positions who might abuse their position and make it about that but essentially this is not what the priesthood is about it's it's about service right this this is what Jesus did we think about all all the power that he had to to calm storms to cast out demons water into wine um raise people from the dead and what does he do he puts he bends down in one sense you know genulelex before man and washes their feet and then goes one step further and goes to the cross and gives his life um so I just think when you know people are looking at the church and like well men have all this power and women here like this is this is about service and love but it also is important I think to identify that men and women offer something different um so why why does Jesus why did he choose men why he didn't choose women and why didn't why does he uh come as a redeemer as the son of god and not the daughter of god I think he is helping to reveal to us what the the father what in creation god foresaw as being the reason for the differences and that the reason for the differences is to promote the flourishing of the creation So the differences are meant to build off of each other that's why we talk about complimentarity you you can't function without the other so that prevents you from becoming arrogant and proud but then it also reminds you that you have something to contribute that takes you out of yourself that that you are not the end in yourself god is perfect in himself he is complete he doesn't need any of his creation he's not created he has not created us to fulfill or satisfy something in him he has created us out of an overflowing abundance of his love and so the overflowing abundance of love becomes the pattern from out of which all of the rest of creation flows and so therefore everything we do in our respective roles or those differences between us as men and women must first be measured against love is this loving and you ask anyone who has been loved by their two parents and they will tell you that their parents loved them differently and you because you you will not be loved in exactly the same way and not all women love in the same way as each other and that that's that's just another characteristic of how we are different that that the way in which the love of God gets reflected requires those things to be different from each other otherwise there would be one blanket experience of love and we wouldn't even realize that love is what's happening it it would be more easily taken for granted it's the capacity to move back and forth in between things that's that's why magnetism work that's why electricity works uh the fact that you have these poles the fact that something can bounce in between something and experience two different things but still producing the same outcome that's that's how you know when you have two different things to look at when you are able to contrast and so when men and women stop pitting each other against one another as competitors and see that they are actually collaborators those who are participants in whatever it is that they're collaborating on benefit from that experience of getting to look back and forth getting to experience what it's like to go from one to the other mhm but if instead the perception is that in order for everyone to get to be equal everyone's differences have to be ignored or else we have to pretend like they're not there you are eliminating now your capacity to have that experience of being able to compare and contrast back and forth which illustrates the thing that you're receiving and participating in when I look at our home here with now eight children it is abundantly obvious to me that she now brings something to the home that I could never even come close to bringing like not even close like for example she's much better at nurturing than I am mhm we have Louis louie is now you know just a few weeks old she takes Louie and literally brings her up him up to her ch her her chest and nurses Louie there's a bond that a mother has with a baby that cannot be replicated by a man mhm it's just not possible and I just have to accept that right my bond and I've just known from observation happens later it happens yes at the beginning but that bond grows as I interact as I discipline as I wrestle as I spend time but a mother's bond with a child is always from from the beginning because you know what when a child's born the mother is always there but not necessarily the father right so just by nature a woman brings something to the family that a man can't right but I think it could also be said it's true that a man brings something to a family that a woman can't yes i I I recognize within myself I discipline very differently than Janelle i make decisions very differently than than Janelle um and what I recognize within us is sometimes those differences cause conflict and I just you know that's I want to be honest by that by that but for the most part it's a complimentary thing where what I bring and how I perceive something uh I how do I want to put it i don't want to say rationally because Janelle's is rational yes of course but I I just perceive things differently and I think that's really important to remember especially when it comes to the raising of children mhm because I think that when we started having this idea well men and women are exactly the same can do everything exactly the same as each other who hurts is children within the family mhm uh I think whenever possible children should be raised by their biological parents i think everyone wins i think society wins i think mom and dad win i think the child wins but I think everyone hurts when that opportunity isn't afforded to a child to be raised when possible by their biological parents now there's always exceptions but the problem is we want to make the exception the rule mhm uh but I think family highlights the complimentarity of men and women and I think that's how God intended well let let me put something by you you're the professional when it comes to living in family life as a husband with your wife uh I when I I lead a lot of people through preparation for marriage and so I can only ever just give in a certain sense the the conceptual version of what I perceive to be necessary in the healthy flourishing of family life and one of those things that I always insist is that while husbands and wives have a primary obligation to each other because you have contracted the sacrament of matrimony between each other as children are introduced into your family because you are a family from the moment of your marriage and children are born into a family they don't create a family when your wife now has to begin to divert some of her attention away from you because your children require her nourishment she is not now neglecting her obligation to you by having to care for her children she is in fact loving you in a way that only she can do which is to guarantee for you the flourishing of your children and you love her by being capable of withstanding that and accepting that and appreciating and supporting her in the fact that she can't give you the attention that she once did but you can give her that attention and so they're not going to be equal that there are going to be ways in which a wife as she becomes a mother can no longer give her husband the attention that she once would have when there were no children but that you always can continue to give her the same level an amount of affection and hopefully even an increasing amount of attention and affection because you don't have to change how that that plays out and when your children who adore their mommy see that their daddy adores their mommy too I think nothing gives them a greater sense of of security and confidence when that's what they witness in family life and I I I think that it only looks like there is a disparity but there isn't because it's loving each other in different ways your wife is loving you by providing the attention and and nourishment to her children that she has to and that you are not any more diminished in the love that you receive from her by still being able to give her as much as before even if it doesn't feel like you're getting the same amount back no that's interesting um I've never thought about it that way but it's 100% right because the amount of attention that Janelle gives me went off the cliff not because she wants to ignore me right the state of life changes with each child now now with eight children like she's nursing initially every 2 hours and it takes a half an hour to 45 minutes to nurse so then she has maybe an hour and a half break and then she does that through the night she just doesn't have time to sleep uh the top priority for her is not to come to me and say "Hey Ken how are you doing today?" Nor should it be nor should it be but I I think that is the way obviously this is the way God intends there's there's a dying to self too through this that is necessary and beautiful and life-giving but you know what that will change too as our family changes right right uh right now that's that's how it is i I I think about children and the damage that happens to children when mom and dad aren't both in their life because the complimentarity between men and women does something to a child I think it helps them flourish but you remove one and replace the a biological child with another actually causes some negative outcomes m and we know this through through research and I came across a guy named Reverend Dr paul Solins who was a Catholic priest he's done some fantastic work i'm going to link in the description of this video his research but um I'd like to just read some of the findings he's had about the effect of children and being raised by biological parents and maybe then get your reaction sure compared to children with intact married parents children of cohabitating parents had a risk of 44% higher emotional problems children living with post-divorced single parents had a 73% higher risk of emotional problems children living with intentionally single parents had a 86% higher risk of emotional problems children living with remarried stepparents had a 111% higher risk of emotional problems children living with cohabitating stepparents had a 186% higher risk of emotional problems children living with same-sex cohabitating parents had a 230% higher risk of emotional problems and children living with same-sex married parents had a 440% higher risk of emotional problems so really interesting his research showing that the difference of risk that children have of emotional problems in different family living situations but the childrens thrive the most when they are raised with their biological mom and dad mhm his research is really quite amazing and it's also come under a lot of scrutiny because it's not very uh popular with the American Psychological Association so his his I'll link you know below but your thoughts on that research well it's not surprising in the least uh if you are born to two people whose affection for each other brought you into a welcoming atmosphere of love how could you compare that with any other context in which you ever could live so that there's just obviously no comparison there then of course there is the dynamic as you said earlier that we cannot make exceptions the norm yes uh but there is always a room for the possibility that children do flourish when they're not able to be in these optimal circumstances and often it's excuse me often it's not even because of their parents own choosing that that these sorts of things can happen of course and there are other factors that can then help mitigate what would lead to these emotional problems that uh the researcher is pointing to but when the people who don't like this like in the American Psychological Association would react to this research negatively I almost can guarantee that they would say well it's because of the uh unwelcoming societal factors that surround the people in that highest percentile of likelihood of emotional problems in the future that causes those emotional problems to happen because the the everything else around that union is wrong and broken and it's not because of them okay we we can suspend judgment on drawing that conclusion in the first place but I think the point that could be taken correctly from that is that there is some kind of inability to account for disparity that leads to a problem and that's exactly what's going on in one of these other kinds of relationships is it has been the refusal to see that difference doesn't make disparity in and of itself and therefore has gone off way off course down a a path that you just can't recover from because of that mistaken first false premise that if there's difference then therefore there's disparity and if there's disparity then there's inequality that is not the case that is the fundamental principle that we have to return to that difference does not equate with disparity and the disparity does disparity could always means that something is disadvantaged but that's why it's important that we don't assume disparity wherever we see difference and that's why to go back to the the example of the family that you're raising with your wife there is a disparity between each of your respective capacities to show each other attention and it is incumbent upon you as a husband and a father to see that you do not allow yourself to be lured into the tendency towards measuring and comparison to now say I'm disadvantaged because my wife no longer shows me the attention that she used to uh a man must have the capacity to say "My wife is loving me differently than she used to because now she loves me by assuring me that the children I have helped her bring into the world are going to be loved and nurtured and cared for in a far superior way than were I to be responsible for doing that by myself and therefore I will continue to show her and in fact I will try and outdo myself in showing her the attention and affection that she needs to keep her secure in what she's doing i always go back to a memory I have from my childhood where my father uh one time there was some kind of family dispute and he just pointed at me and said "Son you just remember that I love your mother more than I love you." And at the time I remember being like so taken aback i I thought I didn't know how to understand what he just said to me and I remember looking at my mom and the look on my mom's face was of this sort of like don't worry honey I actually love you more than I love your dad you know it was it was kind of like this she she didn't she knew I was hurt and didn't want me to feel that way and my dad didn't care that I was hurt because he told me something true and now when I think back on what he must have meant by that I can see that even if I couldn't appreciate it then that was exactly what gave me the confidence and security that I I was privileged to grow up with in my family home that my father loved my mother and his love for her gave her the freedom and capacity to love and nurture and care for us in the beautiful way that she did mhm in such a way that actually she she she ran a day home uh and so we had seven or eight other kids in our house all the time who were not my siblings and that was an interesting dynamic for me to watch as I all of a sudden felt like now I was a competitor for my mother's attention with other people that didn't have the right to her attention and how I I would get so worked up if I ever heard another one of those kids sometimes the younger ones would call my my mother mom or mommy and I would lose it i was a I was a pleasant happy cheerful kid but if I heard someone else call my mother mom I would lose my mind because she is my mom she is not your mom and there was a kind of of possessiveness because I felt like I needed to to be in competition for her affection oh it was only as I got older that I realized that there was there was no competition there was just a difference no one else got little notes in their lunch or got the special treats that she made just for us she went out of her way to show her children Mhm that we were the most important to her but that that didn't mean that she didn't have to take care of and love these other kids which she did right and so it's learning to see that difference doesn't have to make disparity that these are just different things happening that's what's going to facilitate our our capacity I hope to come back to our senses and see that the differences between men and women do not automatically mean that there's inequality and that we have to adjust that somehow [Music]